Everybody's got something part 2

Mad props to the cats that run songtown.com. I had the opportunity to have a pro songwriter with a certified #1 hit look over a recent song and provide feed back. 

 

I don’t really have an emotional attachment to the song other than I thought that the underlying idea was important and I wanted to convey it. One of the recurring things that I am noticing in my writing is that I’m getting good at choruses, but the verses are not as supportive of the main chorus idea. I think this is because I’m writing really fast trying to get something down on paper every week. Tempting to scrap the whole thing but the reviewer liked the chorus, so there is a golden thread in there that is worth saving and rewriting. 

 

This critique really did a great job showing where I needed to work to make the song more relatable and marketable. I think that when I wrote it initially I really lost sight of why I was writing it in the first place and wound up putting in words that felt melodically ok but didn't support the main idea. 

 

The main idea of the story was from a post on reddit asking people for experiences with others that made them feel bad. One story that stuck with me was a girl was in a doctors office and was sitting next to a much older woman. The girl struck up a conversation with the older woman and was complaining about all of her medical problems that she was dealing with at the time. The medical problems were not too serious in hindsight but you know how it is when you have something wrong with you. At the end of the conversation the old lady turned to her, nodded and merely said “everybody’s got something.”

 

Here is the original song that I wrote: 

 

“Everybody’s got something”

i complain about my aches and pains

cry about how

s’never any time for what I want somehow

you just close your eyes shake your head

 hand wave 

many others have it way worse 

heard  you  say

CH

Everyone’s got something going

Everyone’s got something wrong

Everybody wants something else

Nobody’s gonna have it all

Vs2

 

saw a miserable man shaking a can

Wishing me happy day 

Looking for some change or a café ole 

didn't closed my eyes or shook my head 

just gave  

theres  others have it way worse 

heard you say 

Ch     

Everyone’s got something going

Everyone’s got something wrong

Everybody wants something else

Nobody’s gonna have it all

solo

ch repeat

end

 

So I recorded it in logic pro, recorded all the parts, etc. And here’s the critique: 

 

Timothy, you have some cool stuff here. Here are a couple of thoughts if you want to make it more commercial. 

  1. I like your chorus a lot. But, I would call the song “nobody’s gonna have it all” Since that is the last phrase in the song. people are going to think its the title any way. 

(This makes sense as the last line is really spotlit. At the same time that would take away from the meaning of the song, read on)

 

2. In verse 1, some of the lines phrase awkwardly, Especially “cry about how”. The way that line phrase, the lyric needs to stand alone, because it doesn’t sound like it leads into another thought melodically. The thoughts in the first verse seem to wander. I would clarify what you are trying to say in that verse and make lyric more focused. 

(yikes, he's right, its a mess dammit!)

3. Just saying “hand wave” is confusing. I think you are meaning that they wave their hand, but thats not clear the way you say it. (i’m trying to be artsy, but yeah, good point)

4.Verse 2 kind of wanders as well, (shit) I think that part of the issue in both versus is that you throw in little phrases that are not complete thoughts. I would make verse 2 more simple and don't try to say so much. Just be sure everything you say is clear.  (true)

5. I think you could improve your melody in the verses. The chorus melody is much cooler than the verses. A restructured melody might give you more room to say what you are trying to say more clearly as well. 

Good Work! 

 

My thoughts with this are in complete agreement, its nice to see how clearly and nicely this song was ripped apart constructively. I know that I had a good chorus idea because it stuck in my head and thats really where I like to start writing my songs. 

Ok, here’s the quick rewrite taking almost all of the feed back into account. 

 

“Everybody’s got something”

 

Sometimes you let me complain about something dumb

I always forget about the people who have none

I share my story to relieve my stress

So thank you for listening

I know we’ll get through this!

 

Cuz, everybody’s got something going

everybody’s got some wrong

everybody wants something else

Cuz everybody’s got something  x2 (see what I did there, spotlighting the title)


Obligatory 8 bar Guitar solo!

 

v2

You're so great for listening to me complain

now I know your problems compared to mine

put me to shame

So tell me your stories

it’ll help you with your stress

You and I are gonna get through this!

 

Cuz, everybody’s got something going

everybody’s got something wrong

everybody wants something else

cuz everybody’s got something 

x2

 

I think that the verses support the chorus a little better and they are more direct in the idea put forward. I’m not specifying the aforementioned story of the girl in the doctors office but trying to include everyone in a scenario like that. Now I have to record the all the vocals with this and come up with a more interesting melody line. What do you think so far?

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